Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
You Might Also Like
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
The struggle is real
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad