-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
You Might Also Like
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
The Book. The Movie.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school