Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
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Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that