I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
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Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Brother?
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.