My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
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So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus