[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
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No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..