Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
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Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
My dress code is business-casualty.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story