If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
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(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.