i was baptized in a car wash
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I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.