(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
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I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.