DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
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A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
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☑️ I was drunk
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.