Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
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Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
🤣
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’