The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
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Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.