sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
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A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.