If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
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Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
$3 #books
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
S M O L
i baked you a cake
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.