So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
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Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
no regrets
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
I remember when things only cost an arm.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine