Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
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Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.