Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
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Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??