My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
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The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking