A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
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If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
This fish is cracking me up
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.