Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
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Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*