ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
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I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
“How’s your day going?”
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
just make the entire table out of coaster
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.