“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
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“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”