Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
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My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Social Media and Real life
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.