My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
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How many vultures circling you is good luck?
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Support your local cemetery
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”