Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
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Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
me working on my assignments ^-^
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
this is so top tier i cant
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep