Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
You Might Also Like
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Life cycle of cat
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.