If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
You Might Also Like
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
This could be us… but you playing
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
(Jupiter –
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.