*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
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[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.