Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
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[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.