Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
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My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…