I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
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I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Ape together strong
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”