P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
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(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.