After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
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*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Oh my God.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?