Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
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wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.