I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
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If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
That’s not how days work.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Britain be like
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look