[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
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[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
Yup.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Harsh but fair
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.