DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
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Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it