*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
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The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
marvel comics have peaked
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra