Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
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Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
dutch so unserious
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
The pasta is now
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?