I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
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ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
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*What time is it?~How my send button should function