This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
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trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
I love you…
…r dog.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.