When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
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How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
fired
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
there’s probably a fee though
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.