I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
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“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?