ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
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It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?