Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
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My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
When your parents check you’re ok.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”