My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
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Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns