He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
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I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Bond. Trauma bond.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.