Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
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One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”