Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
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My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
TRAIN’S HERE
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*